A journey to self love: the way you speak to yourself matters
In this blog post, I'll share my personal journey through the labyrinth of negative self-talk and self-doubt, and how I emerged on the other side with a renewed sense of self-love and compassion. We often underestimate the impact of our inner dialogue on our self-esteem and mental health.
Through my story, I hope to shed light on the importance of understanding and taming our inner critic.
Image by Chantal Convertini.
The power of negative self-talk
“Why can't I be like her? I asked myself, while studying for my last exam in the school library.
It was almost Christmas break, and I was running on fumes, pushing through four exams in the last five days. Let's just say I didn’t look my best… Sweatpants and sweaters had become my best friends – and as I glanced at my reflection in the window, I noticed my unkempt hair and a few blemishes that conveniently decided to make an appearance this week.
All I wanted, was to disappear.
How Sarah managed to look so put-together during this time was beyond me. Normally, girls like her didn't affect me, but her straight A's, which she so openly bragged about in the past semester – made me question myself.
Why can't I be smart and pretty like her? I asked myself, while pulling the hood of my sweater over my head.
…
I’m sure we’ve all experienced moments like these – when we compare ourselves to others, questioning our worth, our abilities, and our appearance. It's a common experience, but one that can have profound consequences on our mental and emotional well-being. This kind of self-talk dominated my thoughts throughout most of high school and university. I often questioned whether something was wrong with me, and I would obsess over it to the point of believing that love and appreciation were simply not meant for me.
Myself, at my lowest when nobody knew.
Rarely did I offer myself the love and support that I so desperately sought from others. Over time, this negative self-talk evolved into restrictive eating habits, overwhelming feelings of depression and anxiety, and an overarching sense of hopelessness and shame.
The way we speak to ourselves significantly impacts our self-esteem and mental health, but we often underestimate the power of our inner dialogue.
Recognizing the need for change
It wasn't until I met a pretty popular guy – let’s call him, Joe.
Before you scroll away, no, my insecurities didn't magically vanish because he swept me off my feet and told me how beautiful I am. Joe was intelligent, kind, and attractive, but to my surprise, he struggled with the same issues as I did. I thought to myself, how could someone like him, have the same feelings of inadequacy like me?
Now, I've always heard that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and ‘we all want what we don't have,’ but I never fully grasped it until that moment.
Maybe Sarah could be thinking the same about me, I pondered. While I felt the chances of that were slim, the thought lingered in the back of my mind for days.
Joe had just come out of a long-term relationship, and even though we had been speaking for over 3 months, I eventually lost hope for anything serious with him. My self-pity however, didn't last long as just a few days later, his best friend tragically passed away in a snowmobiling accident.
Knowing how close they were, I knew more than ever to step away and give him some time to grieve.
…
Two months went by of no contact, but I was doing good. For the first time in a while, I felt ok being alone. Then one night, I received an unexpected text from him and just like that, I was sucked into our late night chats again.
In the following days, it felt as though the universe had given me this time to find closure with him – to talk as we once did months ago, discussing our dreams and travel plans after graduation.
A then week later, he died in a car accident.
It’s hard to explain why unexpected tragedies happen in life. I felt like I was in a bad dream and I couldn’t wake up.
At only 19 years old, he had his whole life ahead of him – full of adventures he had always dreamed of experiencing, potentially getting married, and having children. But what pained me the most, was the realization that he never truly loved himself.
So many of us assume we have all the time in the world to start living the life we want but life is so… fragile. From that moment on, I promised to not to wait any longer.
The journey to self-love
As a way to process my grief, I dove into journaling. Mainly once – sometimes twice a day, I would sit alone and write out my thoughts onto paper.
Some entries were filled with anger over what happened to Joe, but other times, I stumbled upon realizations about how I can be kinder to myself.
Being in the heart of the Covid-19 pandemic, it’s not like a could have gotten my hair done anytime soon, but I felt this immense push to become more natural.
I wanted to love the real me, not the persona I had crafted to please society.
I completely halted my shopping for new clothes, embraced a minimal makeup routine, and as my blonde hair grew out, I focused on reviving my natural curls. My eating habits found balance, and I discovered a new passion for movement and fitness. Running cleared my mind, lifting weights made me feel empowered, and yoga provided a sense of inner peace.
…
Six months passed of daily journaling, mindful exercise, and an embrace of more natural ways of living. Eventually, I slowly began to feel like myself again. For any of those who have experienced grief, we know that the pain never truly vanishes; instead, we grow around it.
Around this time, I lived alone in an apartment in downtown Sudbury, while pursuing my final year at Laurentian University. I won't deny it; I was hesitant about living alone. But as it turns out, it was exactly what I needed for my journey of self-love.
When insecurities surfaced, I couldn't ignore them or distract myself by being in the company of others. I had to confront them head-on, often accompanied by tears or while exploring new methods, like meditation.
I soon adopted a morning ritual of beginning with meditation, followed by a journaling session to outline my daily goals, express gratitude, and identify the tasks I needed to accomplish to make it, well, a great day.
And, as my self-love blossomed, my standards for the people I allowed into my life also grew. One day, during a shower, I reflected, "You know what? Being alone isn't all that difficult. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle for someone who doesn’t treat me as I deserve."
Each day, I inched closer to self-love and compassion. I engaged in activities that brought me joy, such as evening painting sessions, cooking a delicious meal, singing in the car, or watching my favourite shows.
Ironically, not even a month passed before I had met the most kind, loving, and down-to-earth partner I could have ever imagined. I’m not even joking – it was like something out of a movie.
It's incredible how the universe seems to respond to the energy we emit. But finding a loving partner didn’t mean I’d stop working on myself. I knew if I wanted this man to continue loving me in the way I wanted, I must also do the same for myself.
A photo of us today. Going on almost 3 years!
Replacing negative thoughts with empowering ones
Learning how to control my thoughts is something that profoundly changed my self-esteem. But it wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight.
Don’t get me wrong; there are still moments when I notice my control slipping (like around that time of the month, or a full moon) but in moments of negative self-talk, I'd remind myself, "Hold on a second – I wouldn't say that to my friend, or my mom, or my sister…I love myself. Let's regroup. How can I approach this in a more positive way?"
Confidence soars when you consistently show up for yourself and do what you promised you would do. For me, I vowed never to return to that point of shame and sadness. As a result, I committed to always attempting at being kinder to myself.
I took note of every negative belief, and made an effort to replace it by the end of the day. Here are a few examples of how I replaced negative thoughts with empowering ones:
"I'm a mess!" became “I’m human”
"I can't do this" transformed into "I can do hard things."
"I'm a failure" shifted to "I'm learning."
"Why is this happening to me?" was replaced with "What is this teaching me?."
Sometimes, this shift in mindset was relatively easy. Other times, when I couldn't shake those negative beliefs, I would further journal about them and use the empowering belief as my mantra for the week.
You’re worth it.
It's crucial to remember that self-love is not a destination but a continuous journey. The journey toward self-love is not always smooth or linear, and it may require persistence and patience. Yet, as I've discovered, the effort is worth it.
I encourage you to reflect on your own self-talk patterns and consider making similar changes. Start by replacing those negative thoughts with empowering ones, just as I did.
Remember that self-love is the foundation upon which all other love is built. Embrace it, cultivate it, and let it guide you on a path to a happier, more fulfilled life. You deserve it, and you are worth it.
