5 Ways to Listen Better | Inspired by Julian Treasure
Key Points
Even if you don't agree with what someone is saying, try to expand your own perspective by observing rather than judging.
Have more in-person conversations and learn how to tune into your empathetic side.
To better understand what the person is telling you, use visualization techniques and don’t be afraid to ask questions.
If you tend to be an anxious talker, it’s important to cultivate ways of calming your nervous system down.
In January, I posted a video on TikTok about my main goal in 2022 – I wanted to be a better listener.
Honestly, I thought I was decent at listening until I met my boyfriend. In the early stages of our relationship, he would let me talk, talk, talk and just sit there patiently. Like a little angel 👼🏼
It was only later in our relationship when he mentioned how difficult it was for him to get a word in.
Communication - Babbling Brook vs. Dead Sea
A while ago I was reading the book The 5 love Languages by Gary Chapman and came across the chapter “Dead Seas and Babbling Brooks”. It was during this moment, when I realized how important it was for me to strengthen my listening skills.
P.S. If you want to check out this book, I have it on my Amazon Storefront :)
The Definitions
Dead Sea: A personality type that receives many experiences, emotions, and thoughts throughout the day—but is perfectly fine not to talk.
Babbling Brook: A personality type that will share whatever they see or hear. Chapman’s words made me crack up while reading —“For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate.”LOL. Call me out why don’t you.
What Happens When These People Date…
In the early stages of a relationship these two totally hit it off, right?
There’s no worry of how a conversation will get started or how it will flow throughout the night…Both are in their comfort zone – one talks, while the other listens.
It’s later on in the relationship where reality sets in. The Babbling Brook will realize they don’t know much about their partner, while the Dead Sea will know, well, too much.
The good news is a Dead Sea can learn how to talk, while a Babbling Brook can learn how to listen. Can’t be that hard right?
Although it takes two to build and strengthen a relationship, we can always do our part. So, if you feel like you have some Babbling Brook tendencies, let’s dive into 5 ways to listen better.
5 ways to listen better
This article is inspired by Julian Treasure, who is a top-rated international speaker on sound and communication skills. In 2014, he spoke at a TED Talk about 5 ways to listen better.
The five exercises that he suggests include: Incorporating silence for 3 minutes a day, learning to differentiate sounds in a noisy environment, finding the joy of mundane sounds, using proper listening positions, and following the RASA acronym (Receive, Appreciate, Summary, Ask)
Julian Treasure Ted Talk : 5 Ways To Listen Better
Although I found these 5 exercises very helpful, I wanted to share the tips that helped me strengthen my listening skills this past year.
01. Resist Judgment
I’ve learned that even if you don't agree with what someone is saying, you’re better off expanding your perspective by observing rather than judging.
For example, if someone is talking about how they want to move to Europe because of their love for spaghetti—sure you can immediately dismiss it as a dumb idea. Or, you can try to understand why they want to do it. Tbh their pasta is pretty incredible. Just saying.
On a more serious note, whenever you feel the urge to give unsolicited advice, it’s almost always your ego trying to control the situation.
Your ego can also disrupt your relationships by being defensive over your point of view and self-concept. Inevitably, causing you to lose sense of the present moment (and get bent out of shape over something probably not that serious.)
The good thing is: we can control the ego’s urges. In fact, one of the best ways to snap out of the ego’s chokehold is by learning the basics of consciousness. It really works.
02. In-Person Convos and Empathy
Due to the pandemic and advancements in technology, in-person conversations has become more rare. Sure we have Zoom and Facetime, but nothing beats the realness of an in-person chat.
Is Technology Making Us Less Empathic?
We receive texts like “LOL that is so funny!!”—with no knowledge if they even laughed. There’s also the simple “❤️” as a way for someone to show they really care.
With technology, fewer people sit down with their loved ones and pay attention to the words they use, as well as their general mood and demeanour. Even acknowledging the other person by saying things like “hmmm”, “oh” or “okay” is something we don’t see in many conversations now.
It sounds dumb, but I’ve found that something as simple nodding can validate a person immensely. Unfortunately through a screen, we’re not used to aligning our facial expressions with our words.
So How Can We Be More Empathetic?
1) See your friends in-person. The pandemic did a number on a lot of us…but the only way to feel more comfortable about seeing people outside of our homes is to do it more often. Simple as that.
Seeing people in-person vs. over the phone can also improve your listening skills. Through text you can just put your phone on silent and answer later. Your mom also doesn’t have to know you didn’t read her full paragraph of text before responding.
In-person you can’t always walk away or stop talking half-way through. I mean you could. But in that situation, you can’t hide it from that person.
I get how it can be pretty daunting to have more in-person conversations. Anxious thoughts like, “What if I sound weird or do something to make a fool out of myself” can arise…
But it’s also a time where you can have some of the most authentic conversations, and develop the best of relationships—whether in a work setting, when dating, or with friends and family.
2)Tune into your sensitive side. If a person has reached out to you about a sensitive subject, allow your heart to remain open in those moments. And no, I’m not saying you have to cry. In fact you don’t have to do anything at all.
Being open, means you have to tune into your feminine energy—the receiving energy that flows through every one of us (both male and female). Maybe it’s just letting a person rant, or hugging someone while they cry.
The goal is to provide a safe space for someone to let out that built-up energy without butting in, or giving advice. You will soon find that not talking can do a lot more than you think.
@thetwentiesdetox Do you agree with this?? Comment below any resolutions you have for 2022 to strengthen your relationships 💗 #relationships #wellbeing #resolutions #selflove #2021recap #winterbreak ♬ You - Petit Biscuit
03. Visualize what they’re saying
Like I’ve been saying, the key to effective listening is opening yourself up, and taking in what you are hearing. But some people wait no time at all before saying what's on their mind.
To better understand what they are telling you and drop into the present moment—visualize the emotion of the event, the environment they were in, and the people who were present.
Using visualizing techniques can also help you with the points I mentioned in #2, as empathy can only be accessed through the emotional awareness of a situation.
04. Ask Questions
If you’re having a hard time visualizing, don’t switch the conversation to you just yet. Ask clarifying questions!
How did that happen?
Why do you feel this way?
Where was this event
When did it take place (time)?
Who else was there, and what happened to them (details)?”
Questions are another way of showing that you’re invested in that person and that you want to know more about them.
05. Breathe Deeply
If you tend to be an anxious talker, calm your nervous system by taking deep breaths. Breathing will help you relax so that you can be more attentive to others. Meaning, you can stay more focused on what is actually happening in the moment without all those thoughts getting in the way.
This tip also helps with the previous steps:
Resisting judgment is difficult to do, if your ego is inflamed. Deep breathing allows you to drop into your body and shift into an observing state more easily.
Being empathetic requires you to connect with your intuition and feminine side. Both of which needs a relaxed nervous system.
During times of anxiety, the breath is short and shallow. To stay attentive, deep breathing provides more oxygen flow to the brain. Thus, gaining more clarity of what to visualize—or, what questions you should ask for better understanding.
Each of the five points go hand-in-hand with each other, but one thing is absolutely essential if you wish to improve your listening skills: practice.
If you want to learn more benefits of listening, check out the Instagram post below <3
Lastly, if you enjoyed this article please let me know in the comments below!
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