Making Friends as an Adult: Quality over Quantity & the Feeling of Loneliness
In this episode of the Twenties Detox, I dive into one of the most difficult things I experienced after graduation: the feeling of loneliness, friendship breakups, and making friends as an adult.
After almost 2 years of reflection—I open up about how I started prioritizing quality over quantity in friendships, as well as 4 ways to make friends in your twenties!
I hope you enjoy.
The Reality of Friendship Breakups ~ 3:20
Last week was all about post-graduation. Following up on that: experiencing friendship breakups after graduation was something that hurt the most. Sometimes, it isn’t this horrible explosion that may occur between two friends, but realizing you’re just going your separate ways…
“Sometimes, and especially as you both become more mature, [friendship breakups] can just be this natural thing of going your separate ways. That being said, it’s never easy.”
I also go into trauma coupling –– which is the process of connecting a traumatic experience to a trigger. So sure, maybe these friendship breakups aren’t as petty as what you’ve experienced in childhood…but similar feelings can still arise.
School & Friendships ~ 5:30
Next, I dive into school – which is probably where you met a lot of the friends you have today.
“You’re surrounded by so many people, not only people in general, but people your age. So, for the most part you’re going to have similar interests, and things to bond over.”
The desire to be popular
I’m sure you’ve had at least one popular kid in school. And this desire to be popular is really conditioned in many kids during childhood.
“In university, I was in a science degree. So, my friends and I, were all a bit nerdy (I loved them though) But – there was still this urge to be validated because we haven’t been taught where to find proper self-worth…and find validation within yourself, versus searching for it in other people.”
I find that this desire to be popular and to receive recognition leaves a lot of people feeling lonely or abandoned if they don’t have a large amount of friends; people think they need more friends to be happy.
The whole idea of the more friends you have, the happier you will be is just B.S.
“…focus on a smaller group of people that have the quality part of them – like a really intimate, authentic, supportive, friendship.”
Studies show that having a feeling of loneliness has less to do with the number of friends and more to do with how you feel about your friends. This correlation is supported by Psychology Today:
“Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day—or are in a long-lasting marriage—still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness.”
Do we choose friends based on proximity or interests? ~ 9:00
Although we would like to say all our friends today is based off of interests…proximity might be more powerful than we realize.
The proximity principle explains why we befriend those who are close to us and it is… you guessed it! Because of familiarity.
“Humans love familiarity. Whoever is nearby [to you] will become more familiar with time. Think of the first time you ever met your current best friend. It was maybe a little scary at first and you were definitely not as close as you are now.”
There are also a couple studies out there that discovered the power of proximity.
Befriending those who are close to us does not only occur in school…In the adult world, we connect with our coworkers, our workout class attendees, our neighbours way faster than through an active pursuit of people with interests similar to our own.
How to actually prioritize quality friendships~ 12:00
I know. Believe me, I get it. Easier said than done when it comes to prioritizing quality over quantity, right? So I wanted to share a quote that really resonated with me, and changed how I perceive quality relationships:
“The people who give you the most amount of peace, deserve the most amount of your time.”
Kind of hits, doesn’t it? I realized in 2022, I put way too much energy into those who didn’t reciprocate– into the validation of others, and in fact, neglected the very secure friendships that brought me the most peace. So here’s what I did.
Focusing on an abundant mindset.
I needed to approach this whole making friends thing completely differently. For the longest time I was looking for friends to feel less lonely (i.e. “lack mindset”), when actually I needed to approach it with an abundant attitude.
How to Make Friends as an Adult: 4 Best Pieces of Advice ~ 18:00
1) Get to know your friends’ friends
Remember that list I told you to write out? Chances are, you may be able to connect with their best friends too. Next time you meet up with one of your closest friends, tell them to invite more people, and see if you connect!
2) Use social media
Social media definitely has its drawbacks–but there are ways for you to connect with like-minded people around the world, eliminating the proximity barrier to an extent.
“One of the best things about [social media] is it removes the barrier of not being within a certain proximity to people. You can communicate with people from all over the world and actually, one of the friends on that list is actually someone I met through Instagram…because we had a lot of similar interests.”
3) Befriend your co-workers!
I work with my family, so I can’t say I have that I currently do or experience this, however, in the past I’ve befriended coworkers who I am still friends with today!
Bonus: befriending co-workers makes work more enjoyable. Time may pass by faster, the work may become more fun, and you will have a better chance of getting quality help if needed.
4) Explore your options
Get out there! Volunteer, join a workshop, bookclub, go to gym classes…Especially if you’re more in my situation: working in a family business, living in a rural area.
Without actually trying and going out to explore some of your options, you have less opportunities to connect with people. You won’t simply wake up and have quality relationships. It requires you to actually go out and try to find and make them. Even Jane Fonda supports this idea, where she said in an interview for her new movie 80 for Brady (hilarious), “You have to pursue people that you want to be friends with. And you have to say, 'I'm intentionally wanting to be your friend.' And it works. People hear that and then stick around, and you develop new friendships."
