A Grown Up’s Guide to Setting Boundaries with Parents
S2E13 – The Twenties Detox Podcast: How to improve the relationship with your parents, boundary setting & moving home after university
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My university was about 3.5 hours from my hometown, and in my last year, I lived alone. I got a taste of independence. My own kitchen. My own living room. I never had to worry about it being messy, and I could sleep in till noon on a Saturday morning without anyone bothering me. And then….I graduated. When I moved home, I didn’t realize how challenging it would be—not just for me, but also for my parents. Since my sister was also away at university, for about 2 years my parents had a glimpse of life before kids. That’s when I realized that moving back home after university was going to be just as much of an adjustment for me, as it would be for my parents…
How did I make it more manageable? By setting healthy boundaries.
What Are Boundaries & When Do You Need It?
Boundary setting is often misunderstood. Many people think it’s about creating more distance between people, but in reality, it’s the opposite. The goal of boundary setting is to protect your peace by understanding what you can and cannot accept.
For example, I can accept turning down my music before 10 PM to keep the peace, but I cannot accept people coming into my room and moving things without asking.
When both parties come to a consensus on respecting each other’s peace, the dynamic improves because both of you can bring your higher self to the table. When your energy is drained from behaviours you cannot accept – you may find yourself being more irritable and short, creating further distance and resentment between each other.
The key is to understand your limits and communicate them effectively.
Learning about Acceptance
Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual teacher, introduces three key modalities of life—acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm—as essential states for living in the present moment. Acceptance, the foundation of these modalities, involves fully embracing whatever the present moment brings without resistance. By doing so, you reduce inner conflict and find peace. If there’s something in your life that you genuinely cannot accept, Tolle suggests it's a sign to stop engaging in that activity or situation altogether.
However, our egos often interfere with this process. A strong ego can convince us that we shouldn’t compromise or sacrifice our energy for most things, leading us to reject opportunities for growth and peace. In reality, if we put our ego aside, we might discover that we can accept much more than we initially thought.
When something bugs you, try to accept it for a while. If you get less bothered as time goes on, it’s something you can deal with, great. But if resentment tends to build, that’s when we move onto boundaries.
5 Steps to Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with your parents isn’t easy, but these five steps can help make the process smoother:
1) Be Intentional: When you’ve found something you cannot accept, don’t overwhelm your parents with multiple boundaries at once. Start with one and work your way up. This helps prevent them from feeling attacked, making them more likely to respect your boundary.
2) Approach Your Boundary with Gratitude: Always tie your boundary back to the purpose of strengthening your relationship. For example, “I want us to have a better relationship, and I think this will help. I love you.” This helps your parents see that boundaries aren’t about pushing them away but about bringing you closer.
3) Be Flexible: Sometimes, the boundary you’re setting might be something your parents can’t accept right away, and vice versa. Be patient and understand that it might take time for everyone to adjust. Just like creating a new habit, it can take a while to find a balance that works for both of you.
4) Support Your Boundary with Actions: To make your boundaries stick, you need to show that you’re serious. For example, if you don’t want your parents to come into your room unannounced to do your laundry, set the boundary and then start doing your laundry yourself. This shows that you’re no longer a teenager but an adult who can take care of themselves.
5) When Boundaries Are Crossed: Creating a new habit is hard enough on your own, let alone between two people. When your boundary is crossed, don’t get frustrated. Instead, revisit the steps: explain why the boundary is important, reiterate that it’s to strengthen your relationship, see if you need to be more flexible, and keep upholding your end of the bargain.
Reflection Time!
More on the episode
If you’re navigating the tricky waters of moving back home and setting boundaries with your parents, this episode is for you. I dive deeper into these topics and share more personal experiences and insights. Tune in to the full episode for a more detailed discussion!
