How to Love Yourself Even When Your Confidence is Low
Can I be honest right now? It can be really hard to feel confident sometimes. With picture-perfect Instagram photos and romanticized lives online, it’s easy to put down our looks, personalities, and abilities. On the podcast this week, I wanted to share how I learn to love myself even in times of insecurity—because let’s face it, we all do from time to time. The important part is how we deal with moments of criticism and learn to approach them with compassion.
Photo by Lany-Jade Mondou
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Self-Love is a Lifelong Journey
Every stage of life comes with challenges in learning how to love yourself. It might have started in grade school when you thought you weren’t fun enough to have more friends.
Then in high school, when the boys didn’t pay much attention to you, and pimples covered your face.
Later in university, when your grades were slipping and you started to wonder if you were cut out for your degree.
Then in post-grad, when you start to question everything, really.
People seem way ahead of me in life. What’s wrong with me? Why am I still living at home with my parents? Is it bad that I’m still single and 25? Should I settle down and get married already? Am I making enough money?
And the list goes on and on…
Since societal pressures and self-criticism have many faces, learning to love yourself is going to be a lifelong journey. There will be slip-ups. It’s natural.
I’ve learned that there are four pillars to tap into when you notice yourself getting out of alignment. Hopefully, these pillars will help you regain a sense of peace and confidence.
Signs That You Need to Practice Self-Love
Remember that you’re not a constant "fix-me" project. However, there are signs when you need to get back to your wellness practices and find better alignment:
Constant self-criticism
Seeking validation from others
Neglecting self-care
Difficulty setting boundaries
Feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions
Experiencing imposter syndrome
Fear of failure
Poor relationships
Neglecting personal goals
Perfectionism
The Four Pillars of Self-Love
1) Self Discovery
You know the beginning stages of a relationship when everything feels amazing? One of the most exciting parts is learning about the other person—their interests, past, aspirations, likes, and dislikes. Without understanding these parts of them, you wouldn’t know how to cater to them and love them deeply.
The same goes for you. You need to get to know yourself deeply because the more aspects you know, the more aspects you can love.
How to practice self-discovery:
Spend time in silence and listen to your inner voice.
Journal about what’s on your mind.
Use voice memos if you’re short on time.
This is a crucial step because, without understanding yourself properly, you won’t be able to fulfill the second pillar efficiently.
2) Self Care
What is the first thing you think about when you hear the term “self-care”? I’m sure it’s something like face masks and bubble baths, but self-care is much deeper. Most self-care acts are more about self-maintenance than anything.
Self-Care: A task that improves your emotional and mental health, focusing on those that give you a sense of enjoyment or peace with life.
Self-Maintenance: A task designed to maintain the appearance and function of your body.
By participating in self-discovery habits, you’re able to figure out simple quirks about yourself that actually make you happy, not just what looks pretty for Instagram.
For example, I discovered by journaling about 25 things that make me happy that one of them is video games. I don’t play them a lot, but when I think about the excitement little Bianca felt when she got another Nancy Drew game as a kid, I realize it could easily boost my mood if I played some video games with my boyfriend some evenings.
For me, playing video games fulfills an inner-child wish, and I feel at peace afterward. That can be self-care.
3) Self Worth
Another pillar is truly understanding your self-worth. There is a lot of confusion between self-worth and self-esteem. They are completely different.
Self-Worth:
Thoughts and feelings about the whole person
Provides a lasting feeling of security
Does not have conditions or standards to meet
Finds value in the internal world
Self-Esteem:
Thoughts and feelings about certain traits or skills
Provides temporary boosts in confidence
Is conditional and relies on standards
Finds value in the external world
Self-worth relates to feeling secure about three things:
Love is a fundamental right.
Respect is a fundamental right.
You deserve to be on this planet.
Understanding that your self-worth is untouchable will allow you to fulfill the fourth pillar properly.
4) Self Compassion
When you have a strong sense of self-worth, you see mistakes or negative events as facts, not as errors in your sense of self.
You don’t internalize getting ghosted after a first date as something being wrong with you or unlovable. You recognize it as a fact—you didn’t hit it off as well as you thought. Another scenario could be failing an exam; you don’t immediately think you’re not deserving of respect from your peers, teachers, or parents. Instead, you view it as a fact that you need to study more or tailor your study method to something that suits you better.
Similarly, in positive events like winning first place in a race, you’re able to remain humble. You don’t put yourself on a pedestal or believe it’s something you can carry as a badge of deserving respect and love. Your deserving respect and love is never altered by what you do.
Understanding that self-esteem is a part of your ego, more of “what” is a part of you, allows you to give yourself compassion in times of difficulty. You can reassure yourself in tough times by viewing the situation as a fact and adjusting as needed.
To sum up these four pillars, please note that 1 & 2 are combined, as well as 3 & 4.
Self-Discovery: Give yourself time to understand different aspects of yourself.
Self-Care: Care for yourself better based on how well you understand yourself.
Self-Worth: Relearn the true meaning of self-worth, and distinguish it from self-esteem.
Self-Compassion: Learn to view life more objectively and as a fact, supporting your self-esteem without blending it into your self-worth.
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Photo Bianca Venchiarutti, the writer of The Twenties Detox
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